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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, welcome to the last day of the rest of your lives. Or something. For this page contains so much concentrated, fiery evil and hatred, Satan himself wouldn't p*ss on it to put out the flames. It's the features page, folks, and here our contributors will do their utmost to fill your heads with violent thoughts of hatred, prejudice and larceny. If you find any material on this page offensive, I'd advise you to go shove a large, hot frankfurter somewhere it don't belong (women have two options here) cuz that's what the party's all about.

LATEST:

  • Back in the safe confines of Geordieland where fights are aplenty (usually started by him) and Newcastle Brown bottles are hurled (both interpretations of that word apply) a certain Dean finally presents to us a third collection of his miscreant thoughts and what he has learnt happens to people at uni. Newcastle freshers, you have no hope.
  • Matt has returned! As most of you with a head know, he's currently in Canada for the next five or so months, and has since promised to deliver a regular "Report From The Other Side" as his ongoing contribution to this page. Here lieth part one, and it makes for interesting cultural reading. Well, it would if it was either interesting or cultural. (Just a joke, Matthew, of course. Cough.) We await with excitement and mockery.
  • Benny Benson (we're not sure what his real name is anymore - neither is he, really), has also promised a new piece of his own mind coming soon - ie. the 4th kill list, on which some controversial changes have been made to people-positioning, and yet another new position has been created out of pure anger. And you thought 0 was imaginative. For now, though, stick with this more accurate 3rd entry from the days of yore. Personally I think Benny's selling out to peer pressure. :-D

One final note - you all have completely atrocious SPG. I know I've said it over and over but this section really proves my point (except Matt who generally has minimal mistakes - kudos to you) If this continues I will get a well-paid job as a Times proofreader and just not do this stuff anymore. Then you'll be sorry, won't you, eh? EH?
 

 

BENNY'S KILL LIST 3! A SEQUEL TOO FAR

by Luke Benson a.k.a. Brother Benny, Lord of all Evil and York's Most Wanted Evil Demon

That's right ladies and gentlemen, I have returned with the third incarnation of my kill list; now I'm sure you'll all thinking that it's his 3rd kill list and everyone is still alive...and that's unfortunately because Dave, who's at the top of the kill list, has made himself valuable to me as he prepares a shrine to me and will be directing my forthcoming motion picture (although I'm not sure the "co-president" is the person I should be talking to...I mean what the hell is a "co-president"? :-) and as he's top I can't start killing people out of order...I mean, that would just be insane...


0. Dave (el co-presidente)

A new position created in honour of Dave, my arch nemesis...hater of all things great like anime and Family Guy, and lover of all things evil like Phil Collins and Pulp Fiction. The man needs to be stopped people...don't say I didn't warn you.

1. Myers

For committing the ultimate sin of sending me a chain mail...you and your soul will burn forever in eternal damnation, so decrees Brother Benny!

2. Laura

Cool Runnings should be in no one's top 5 - NO ONES!!!)

3. Dean  

For still being alive, I mean come on, you must have offended all of Newcastle by now...oh, I'm starting to give up...

4  Pai Mei (Gordon Liu)  

I MUST HAVE THAT BEARD!!!

5. Alex

For all those times you greeted me with a folder to the stomach...and to show I'm not afraid of you!...oh God, don't tell her I put her here - she'll kill me!!!
 

 

LIFE, THE UNDERACHIEVER AND EVERYTHING

by Dean Brettle Professional Geordie Baiter and Bloody Lunatic, Newcastle University

Its that time again, I'm boarded and you all have to suffer.

For my latest masterpiss I have decided to again impart my knowledge on you, the unsuspecting troglodytes that will read it.

 

So it's the start of year two at uni and I've learnt a lot in the past 12 months, most of it completely unrelated to whatever course I appear to be doing.

 

  1. Newcastle like myself wins
  2. Fire, whiskey, and my groin don't mix
  3. Nightclubs boats and revolving dance floors do
  4. There are some things man is not meant to know... Like what the end of Donnie Darko actually means.
  5. Red Dwarf is funnier than a Lawyer with a terminal illness
  6. Family Guy is funnier than an Estate Agent with a terminal illness
  7. There is nothing funny about terminal illness
  8. Long hair rules
  9. Hoovers suck
  10. Table dancing is fun but not if the bouncers catch you
  11. Throwing snowballs is illegal
  12. Tequila should be illegal
  13. Pass out once from alcohol and you will wake up with a strange girl in your room and a worried feeling on your memory loss stricken mind. 
  14. Pass out twice and your flatmates will leave you for dead slumped in a chair in the kitchen.
  15. Danger is a product of stupidity
  16. DVDs are irresistible
  17. Being a Bi-Centurion doesn't mean you're gay.
  18. Losing contact with old friends is even easier than I'd hoped
  19. Uni rules as do trebles.

 

Thank you, I've been a wonderful author.  

 
 

 

REPORT FROM THE OTHERSIDE - PART ONE

 

by Matthew Kennedy Man Aboot Town, Toronto, Canada

 

 

I initially wanted to find a cybercafe and start writing this thing as soon as I landed in Canada (or as the locals will rip you a new for calling it... North of America). However, that was clearly just stupid, so I've waited a week and now I have a laptop and several things to say.

Oh, yeah... totally forgot. In case you didn't know and hadn't already gathered, I'm spending a semester studying in Canada, at a place called Brock University. Yes, it's quite a bit nicer here than Keele, my bathroom here is at least as big as my actual room at that big pile of concrete crap I spent most of last year living in. There is a seat in the shower, I don't know what this means, but I feel there's a sequiter of social diversity here. Either way, it's cool.

Things here are so cheap it's enough to physically drive the air from your lungs. I got my laptop, carry case and other assorted bits for the equivalent of less than £400. Food is also inexpensive and everywhere. Seriously, walking down the streets of Toronto, every other shop is a coffee house or a bagel store or a weenie cart or something. The meal plan here on campus is all-you-can-eat per meal, which is quite clearly insane, especially since they don't mind you taking a bottle in with you and filling it with Dr Pepper or whatever.

 

This place rocks, are you getting the point yet?

 

Leaving England as it was reaching temperature of 25 degrees and above, I was bracing myself for a chill when we touched down in Mooseland. Instead, I find the tarmac in Toronto airport melting in heats topping out at 30 degrees. I mean, what the Hell? I've packed all my winter stuff and now I'm walking round in sandals and the skimpiest t-shirt I brought with me. I have NO shorts with me, and I can't seem to find anywhere that sells indecently short denim shorts. Apparently they're currently out of season, despite my best efforts to point out that indecently short denim shorts are NEVER out of season.

 

Everyone here is extremely friendly, and school spirit actually exists here, I mean, what? I haven't seen students being enthusiastic about their place of learning since primary school, and the was mainly because the school day consisted mainly of fitting a variety of objects into your mouth. But seriously, every floor of the student residences are grouped together in teams. For example, in my building, the five floors are represented by The Groundhogs, The Wizards (poof), The Dolphins, The Phoenix and us, The Team Titans. I shit you not, we are the Team Titans. Earlier in the week, there was a CheerComp, where each team creates their own cheer or chant, and then perform this in front of the rest of the student body. At first I thought the is was going to be the worst, most grating experience of my life, but it actually turned out to be pretty fun. Since everyone there was making a complete fool of themselves, it worked. For your viewing pleasure, here is our cheer:

 

(to the tune of The Addams Family)

 

duh-duh-da-duh *clap clap*

duh-duh-da-duh *stamp stamp*

duh-duh-da-duh TIT-ANS!

We're spirited and awesome,

We're gonna rock your bottom, (ass shakes)

Winning's not a problem

The Titans Family!

duh-duh-da-duh *clap clap*

duh-duh-da-duh *stamp stamp*

duh-duh-da-duh TIT-ANS!

 

Are you disturbed yet? I certainly the fuck am. Anyway, you haven't even heard the worst of it yet... We came third, out of twenty. I mean... what? Seriously...What the fucking fuck? It's also worth pointing out that I had NO creative input on this, since I was too busy weeping in the corner.

 

Well, that's about it for now, I'm off to a BBQ on the beach (well, shore since it's a lake) and then to Niagara Falls tomorrow. I may attempt to go over it in a barrel or my suitcase.

 

Sorted.