ALL THE QUOTES
     
HOME

PICCIES

ASSOCIATES

EVIL COLUMNISTS INC.

TOP 5 SINGLES

WHAT'S NEW

COMEDY HEAVEN

FILMS RATED

TOP 5 FILMS

ALL THE QUOTES

ROB IS GAY

ABOUT THE GUY THEY CALL.....

SOME LINKS

MESSAGE FORUM

  


  • Born of a simple humourous idea brought to life in the English Department at Danum School Technology College, Doncaster.
  • Carried into the 21st century life of inspired student alumni!

When I noticed a list of quotes on the wall of the English base, containing an abundance of hilarious misquotes and Freudian slips made by the departmental staff, I was compelled to start one myself... And so the quote list was born. Extended to a lengthy masterpiece in my A2 year of Sixth Form between m'self and me posse of mates, the project is now in its infancy at my first year of University amongst my cohabitants and associates. I present, here, for the first time ever, all gleaming and polished and electronicky, both lists in their prime. The accidental innuendos and wacky puns that made us laugh, and made us cry (with laughter) and created a stream of nostalgic tears. All the contributors - you know who you are, and you won't believe you said some of this stuff...

well, except Dean.

 

LIST ONE: DANUM DITHERINGS

The longer, definitive list from Danum is championed by a certain Dean Brettle, a man known for his darkly amusing take on life, his desire for unmittigated violence and his tendency towards wacky haircuts. I believe he currently has about twelve quotes riding the waves. I'm lapping at his heels, though, and even Benny suddenly appears to be catching up after some fabulous recent interjections....

 

  • DEAN "Humour. It's so funny."  
  • PAUL "If you wanna be a vegetarian, go outside, and eat some grass... ya fuckers!" 
  • DEAN "Benny, that's because you can't get your cock up a frog!" 
  • DAVE "It's the third best thing you'll ever taste, after krokan ice-cream and pussy fluid." 
  • GRAHAM "She's alright, but I've seen better looking fish." 
  • ALAN "They say ignorance is bliss - I'm having an orgasm!"
  • LAURA "He gets the best of both worlds coz he gets to have breasts AND squeeze them!" 
  • ANDY "Oh look, there's Raham and Grose." 
  • HEATHER "Oo, it's a horse. EE-AW" 
  • MATT "Skunkfucker!"
  • JAMAL "I try to accomodate you people, but I'm very cheap." 
  • JOEY "He's got a Ploughman's wedge in his mouth!" 
  • DAVE "I will not re-mortgage my house so you can have a 70's disco!"
  • ALAN "Shit happens, and we had diarrhoea"
  • DEAN "Strange - all the people made out of gay aren't here yet."
  • BENNY "I will kill you all" 
  • JAMES "He's reading out the questions and not the answers!" 
  • ROSE "You're just trying to get yourself out of your mum's hole, aren't you?" 
  • JULIEANN "Ha ha, you're a benny" 
  • RACHEL "I would have to wear a tent for men not to see my boobs"
  • DEAN "What? Jamal's got a house?" 
  • PAUL "Those are the most homosexual cakes ever" 
  • DAVE "How about you stay the fuck away, and let me eat myself to death?" 
  • BENNY "You have no soul!!"
  • DEAN "I could get the Countdown conundrum if it was something like 'Varol Corderman' " 
  • ALAN "It's only gay if you push back!"
  • ANDY "England was invented before Holland."
  • BENNY "It's barth, carstle and marsterbate"
  • QUIZMASTER: "What was Princess Di's nickname for Camilla Parker Bowles?" JAMES: "BITCH!"
  • GRAHAM "Oh look. I've got a friend." (looking at his groin after a fly lands on it)
  • DAVE "They're all homosexuals, nymphos and Leeds fans. And I don't even know what you're talking about."
  • DEAN "This architecture exam can go and suck my Baroque."
  • LAURA "Does that make him a lesbian bloke?"
  • BENNY "Wow, Dave, I feel like I can do anything. Let's go get some hookers!" 
  • JAMAL "I can get it up in 20 minutes."
  • ROSE "I don't need no frog to get Graham aroused!"
  • DEAN "Jamal, BNP stands for 'Blacks Not People.' "
  • ALAN "Benny's been sniffing man-ass again."
  • DAVE "I've been over myself many times in the past."
  • DEAN: "What colour's Dave McGrail's hair?" ANDY: "Short."
  • BENNY "But there isn't any penetration in the UK"
  • PAUL "The world doesn't have enough male prostitutes."
  • MATT  "I'll give you it for £150 and that pube on the board"
  • BENNY  "You can't steal my life!"
  • DAVE: "I've talked to lots of Irish people who don't actually like Guinness and want to dispel the myth." DEAN: "Yeah, but these are the same wankers who dance to the end of the rainbow to get the pot of gold."
  • DEAN "It's so obvious he's never had sex with anyone apart from his hand, and possibly a sheep"
  • DAVE "Syphilis isn't contagious, except through the willy"
  • PAUL "Oh, he's gone and given the questions away now!"
  • DEAN "I've just realised I wasn't raped after all"
  • BENNY "Put away your devil pillows, harlot!"
  • BENNY "I wear the pants in this relationship"
  • JAMAL "He's got the vocabulary of a.... thing with a big vocabulary"
  • BENNY "Lie on the bed and I'll feff you"
  • RACHEL "Survey: Alex, when you see Graham, does your vagina get bigger?"
  • LAURA "You are not taking my little sister into your love dungeon"
  • BENNY "I'm sure your trunk is bigger"
  • BENNY "DIIIIIIRTY BENNY!"

 

  

 


LIST TWO: SHEFFIELD SYPHONINGS

The university list, meanwhile (which will be updated infrequently) is led by one Claire Drew, Tavistock's premier mistress of bungled sentences! They've been.... good, I guess, but it seems that they've just been lacking somewhat in that supremely vulgar element which makes the golden Donny sense of humour truly unique! A lot of them are also "you had to be there" scenarios and are based purely on the group dynamic. Not to say some of them weren't rip-roaring at the time...

 

  • CLAIRE "I like it round the back."
  • CLAIRE "I've got someone living on top of me."
  • FROSTY "Say hello to Bruce!"
  • CLAIRE "I'll text Dave and tell him his phone's not working"
  • RUAIRI "JUST GET ON THE BUS, AND GET A DAY SAAAAAVER!!!"
  • DAVE "Neither of my parents are dead moles"
  • FROSTY "What time is the 8.30 showing?"
  • RUAIRI "I can't be bothered with rain!"
  • ROB "He looks like a young John Salako... oh wait, it IS John Salako..."
  • "Is he half-caste?" SIAN: "No, it's about 20 to 5..."
  • RUAIRI "He got £300,000 and an annulment? I don't see why she didn't just give him one" (re. Britney Spears' "husband")
  • CLAIRE "So how much is that in English money?"  (re. Rupees on the Zelda computer game)
  • CLAIRE "In 30 years time I'll be as old as my mum"
  • DAVE "He's used to doing essays like that - on my bedroom floor while doing something else"
  • FRAN "Where's Dom, I want to play with his thingy"
  • DOM "Do you have a problem with the size of my mouth?"
  • DAVE "Got any plates, or will this be a hand job?"
  • CHRIS "I've got no problem with gay people as long as they don't thrust it in my face"
  • DAVE: "You can tell how drunk a man is by how hard he jumps on you" TOM: "Well, how hard did I jump on you?" DAVE: "Hard enough to make my body weight fall to the floor."
  • KATHY "I'd have been called Robert if I was a girl"
  • ELLIE "Where did you go to school - in an Enid Blyton book??"
  • DAVE "It's only an inch, so I can't promise anything"
  • CLAIRE "So he said "I bet you can't keep it in your mouth for 30 seconds" so I did!"
  • CLAIRE "Ooh, I nearly had a mouthful of Daveness then"
  • JAMES "Go on then, whip him out"
  • ROB "Wait a minute....If you're paying more....surely they're paying less?"
  • DAVE "But at least we're paying for a good standard of student livi.... Is my door bent?"
  • FRAN "Ooh, a French birthday card. Where's that from, then?"
  • FRAN "You don't like peas? How could anyone NOT like peas?? Wait a minute...I don't like peas."
  • ELLIE "You're so elegant..I mean eloquent."
  • FROSTY "Don't 'come on' me!"
  • ELLIE "I'm not really drunk, and I've been drunking all night!"


And there you have it. We're all idiots, really.